Failure
Failure is hard. There's no way to get past it. It's something that happens to everyone. Knowing this doesn't help the feeling when it occurs though. Failure is rough on the mind. It's got a talent for completely ruining self-esteem.
I haven't even said failure in what yet! It's just failure in general is a huge buzz kill. Starting a day in failure is a bad way to start the day, that's for sure. Well, if you follow me on Instagram (@fitlifeofcam) you know exactly what I'm talking about. I start my week off with deadlifting early Monday morning before work. Usually this is a good way to start the week because deadlifting is badass and empowering. It's one of those lifts that guys think only guys should do-well screw that! We can be badass too, just watch. Exceeeept, now this morning. I'm currently following a program (on week 9 out of 12) and today I was supposed to deadlift 1 rep at my 1rep max (1rm). Well, my 1rm is 245lbs. I don't even remember when I hit this, maaaybe two years ago when I first started lifting heavy? Which means it was before hurting my back and taking like a full year off of powerlifting. And I'm sure it was an ugly pull. I used to not care about form while deadlifting as long as I got the lift. Heeence why I hurt my back! Everyone learn from me! Work on your form first and do not do something to risk you getting hurt. It's really not worth it when I could have been lifting that entire year and my deadlift PR could be something amazing by now! So, back to Monday morning...first off, I woke up at 4:30AM feeling awful(normal time 3x/week I wake up for the gym). I had a headache, my eyes were itchy and watery, and I felt like I didn't get any sleep. I hate excuses. And this is exactly what those are. I told myself I'm getting this lift, no excuses. I got to the gym and was trying to wake up by warming up a little on the bike and then light weight deadlifts. 5 reps at 135, 1 rep@185, 1rep@205, 1rep@225....Those all felt good. Except I noticed the rep at 225 my grip started slipping. I instantly became worried. I had a problem a couple of weeks ago with not hitting a 2rm because my hands were too sweaty. I go to a gym that doesn't allow chalk so I was S.O.L. For those who don't know chalk is used to get a better grip on the bar so it doesn't slip out of your hands-like me. Most commercial gyms don't allow it because it "makes a mess" so us powerlifters are screwed. I put the weight on for 245. I took a couple minute break and then I was ready. I walk up to the weight, get in position, check my form out in the mirror, get my breathing set andddd the bar immediately slips out of my hands. I hardly pulled at all and they completely slipped. Shit. I tried like 2-3 more times with the same result. Finally I googled what to do. I saw someone on a message board say that they used small pieces of a paper towel. I tried it once and noticed the paper towel was too large. I fixed the size of the paper towel- this was my 5th or 6th attempt at this lift by this time. I finally somewhat had a grip on the bar!...And I couldn't even lift it off the ground. I was so mentally and physically exhausted I couldn't do anything. I failed. I looked at the clock and noticed I only had 20 minutes left in my workout and still had 4 exercises to do. I didn't have time to continue to attempt this lift. I had to accept I failed at it. It was hard for me, but I didn't have any other choice. I lowered the weight and continued my scheduled programming. At this point I was deflated and honestly really upset with myself. I really wanted the lift. I just kept thinking that I know I could get it. I have the ability to lift it, I know I do. I finished the work out, got home, missed my bus for work, but then had a decent day in the end.
How I had a decent day:
1. It's failure. It happens. The only thing I can do now is work hard and hope it doesn't happen again next week.
2. The support of my loved ones when I vented to them about how upset I was.
3. The support of the POWERLIFTING COMMUNITY! This community is crazy y'all. I posted a video of my missed lifts and a widely known women's powerlifting Instagram reposted it and asked her followers for advice for me. How amazing is that? So many people offered their helpful advice for me. I read every single one and was just really thankful they took the time to help me. I don't know these people. They've never seen my account before. Once they knew I was part of their community, they came to my help.
I'm grateful and excited to be a part of this community. Failure doesn't seem that bad when you have an entire population to come to your rescue to help you not fail again. I started this day feeling like I wasn't capable of anything, I'm finishing this day knowing that I am capable of anything with the right mindset and support.
Thank you to everyone in this community and just a huge thank you to everyone who is supporting me on this "fitness journey" of mine. I appreciate you all more than you know.
xo,
Cam